Today/Tonight will be a two post kinda night, because I must interrupt this months regularly scheduled thankfulness program to show my other, truer side - the one where I bitch about the ILs.
Adam was so nice as to text them last night and wish them a Happy Hanukkah. Most sons that have decent parents would have done more than text probably, but when all your calls turn into them yelling at you for what you do wrong, and the only way they chose to communicate with you 90% of the time is via text message - well then, texting is the most appropriate and polite thing one can do.
The polite thing to do if you receive a Happy Hanukkah text would be to reply with one of the same. And if you don't feel nice enough to wish someone the same gesture, then the polite thing to do would be to not say anything at all. But as we all know so well, the ILs are anything but polite. Instead FIL responded with a text about how disappointed in who his son is and how they have to sit down and talk (they've been telling Adam that for about a year now...) and about how he has no relationship with us and its not right that they one see the babies once every 2-3 months.
Well, I would like to point out that this is a TWO-WAY street! Do I want to see you? No, not really! Do I want my children to see you often? No, definitely not! BUT, I have made it abundantly clear that - unlike my MIL - I will NOT be the one to cut-off ties with family members (unless they are truly a danger to me or my family). I did not have the opportunity to grow up with 3 of my 4 grandparents - and the 4th passed away just a week and a half after my bat mitzvah, so I am keenly aware of what its like to not have grandparents around. Therefore, if the grandparents are actually living, I will not cut them out of the picture, no matter how much it pains me.
My plan was for the babies to get to see FIL + MIL two times a month and no more, lest I might be in a mental institution. We put out great appearances that we are handling things well, and that's mostly because we really are. But no matter how true that is, we are still raising two newborn babies and have 2 dogs and a house to take care of while we both work full time jobs. [And I wouldn't trade ANY of it in for the world! Hell, Ive been caught admitting that when we are ready for baby #3 (yes, I want more), I would actually welcome another set of twins as its been so much fun (maybe I'm already ready for the loony bin, who knows!).]
BUT, I digress, we still have a lot of responsibilities and are barely keeping our head above water when it comes to our house, bills and our relationship with each other. If they want a relationship with their son (because I know clear well they don't want one with me) and their grandchildren, it isn't just something that will get handed to them on a silver platter. They need to work at it too. That starts with actual communication, not just texts and phone calls filled with berating and belittling, and then ending with how you need to have a serious, sit-down, in-person talk. It means the phone works both ways to just say hi and check in. It continues with you getting off your lazy, unemployed asses and coming to visit the babies instead of expecting their parents to traverse out to you and your disgustingly, unkept house (and Im not talking just clutter, Im talking YEARS of pee splatter all over the bathroom walls, floor and toilet disgusting - UGH!) so you can see them. You are (or should be) grown adults that can call to make plans to come here once a month and drive the 25 minute drive here, instead of expecting us to make the plans for you AND come to you. We don't have the time to do that! And it "ends" with you being honest and allowing others to be honest with you so you can make actual and meaningful changes to your life, including getting serious help!
You raised two great boys (although I have NO CLUE how) and those two boys have each brought you two amazing grandchildren - learn to love and respect both sons, accept them for who they are and who they chose to marry and how they choose to raise their families (the good, the bad and the ugly), and finally learn to allow them to have their family moments without you having to involve yourself where you don't belong! If you start to do those things, you will end up being more involved in better ways.
Wow - I feel so much better now that I got all that out. I should REALLY re-read what I wrote, and edit, because I know I ended up babbling and not really continuing with what I started, but if I do that, Im bound to clean up the post too much, so thanks for letting me vent and I hope you enjoyed todays "commercial break"
....and Happy 2nd night of Hanukah for those that celebrate!
Adam was so nice as to text them last night and wish them a Happy Hanukkah. Most sons that have decent parents would have done more than text probably, but when all your calls turn into them yelling at you for what you do wrong, and the only way they chose to communicate with you 90% of the time is via text message - well then, texting is the most appropriate and polite thing one can do.
The polite thing to do if you receive a Happy Hanukkah text would be to reply with one of the same. And if you don't feel nice enough to wish someone the same gesture, then the polite thing to do would be to not say anything at all. But as we all know so well, the ILs are anything but polite. Instead FIL responded with a text about how disappointed in who his son is and how they have to sit down and talk (they've been telling Adam that for about a year now...) and about how he has no relationship with us and its not right that they one see the babies once every 2-3 months.
Well, I would like to point out that this is a TWO-WAY street! Do I want to see you? No, not really! Do I want my children to see you often? No, definitely not! BUT, I have made it abundantly clear that - unlike my MIL - I will NOT be the one to cut-off ties with family members (unless they are truly a danger to me or my family). I did not have the opportunity to grow up with 3 of my 4 grandparents - and the 4th passed away just a week and a half after my bat mitzvah, so I am keenly aware of what its like to not have grandparents around. Therefore, if the grandparents are actually living, I will not cut them out of the picture, no matter how much it pains me.
My plan was for the babies to get to see FIL + MIL two times a month and no more, lest I might be in a mental institution. We put out great appearances that we are handling things well, and that's mostly because we really are. But no matter how true that is, we are still raising two newborn babies and have 2 dogs and a house to take care of while we both work full time jobs. [And I wouldn't trade ANY of it in for the world! Hell, Ive been caught admitting that when we are ready for baby #3 (yes, I want more), I would actually welcome another set of twins as its been so much fun (maybe I'm already ready for the loony bin, who knows!).]
BUT, I digress, we still have a lot of responsibilities and are barely keeping our head above water when it comes to our house, bills and our relationship with each other. If they want a relationship with their son (because I know clear well they don't want one with me) and their grandchildren, it isn't just something that will get handed to them on a silver platter. They need to work at it too. That starts with actual communication, not just texts and phone calls filled with berating and belittling, and then ending with how you need to have a serious, sit-down, in-person talk. It means the phone works both ways to just say hi and check in. It continues with you getting off your lazy, unemployed asses and coming to visit the babies instead of expecting their parents to traverse out to you and your disgustingly, unkept house (and Im not talking just clutter, Im talking YEARS of pee splatter all over the bathroom walls, floor and toilet disgusting - UGH!) so you can see them. You are (or should be) grown adults that can call to make plans to come here once a month and drive the 25 minute drive here, instead of expecting us to make the plans for you AND come to you. We don't have the time to do that! And it "ends" with you being honest and allowing others to be honest with you so you can make actual and meaningful changes to your life, including getting serious help!
You raised two great boys (although I have NO CLUE how) and those two boys have each brought you two amazing grandchildren - learn to love and respect both sons, accept them for who they are and who they chose to marry and how they choose to raise their families (the good, the bad and the ugly), and finally learn to allow them to have their family moments without you having to involve yourself where you don't belong! If you start to do those things, you will end up being more involved in better ways.
Wow - I feel so much better now that I got all that out. I should REALLY re-read what I wrote, and edit, because I know I ended up babbling and not really continuing with what I started, but if I do that, Im bound to clean up the post too much, so thanks for letting me vent and I hope you enjoyed todays "commercial break"
....and Happy 2nd night of Hanukah for those that celebrate!
