Friday, November 6, 2015

Two years ago, Part I

I can remember the day very vividly.  It was a Thursday and I was about to depart on a 3-day, 2-city business trip. I had a morning flight, and we had previously decided that he was going to take me to the airport and then he and the kids would pick me up on when I flew home on Sunday.  

We had been fighting a lot recently because of the web of lies that had been spun the weeks (and years) prior - and that morning wasn't much different.  I don't remember if there was a fight before leaving the house, but I know there was a fight the night before and there was angry silence on the car ride.  I finally said something to try and resolve the issue from the night before.  I was met with silence.  I tried again - and was met with more silence.  When he finally uttered words, the words were "I'm going to talk to my brother this weekend and get the name of a lawyer".  

Internally I was melting down inside. Externally I was angry and upset.  

What do you mean you are going to get a lawyer?  What happened to talking?  All I want to do is communicate and have honesty?  We went to therapy to work towards that, why can't you just freaking be honest and communicate?

Those are not the words that came out of my mouth.  I don't know what words did, but I know I was clearly should my external emotions.  I was hurt.  We are in the car on the way to take me to the airport.  He won't speak to me except to say he is going to get a lawyer and wants a divorce.  We finally got to the airport and after some more talking, I convinced him to sit on it, so we can talk some more when we can sit down together.

I went through security and to my gate and I was A MESS.  My coworker saw me at security and not realizing that I was upset started to talk to me - and then he saw my face.  I tried to hide it all that day, but he knew something was wrong.

Once I got to Boston, I did a little bit better because I was able to focus on my meeting that night and everything that needed to be done.  But when I wasn't focusing, I was spying.  I was constantly checking the IP cameras that we installed as baby monitors.  I was checking his emails (he gave me access) and our verizon wireless account to see who he was talking to and about what.  I'm not really sure what I was looking for, but I found things that hurt and upset me.

I got through my meeting that night and went back to my room and we talked on the phone.  It was the worst phone call of my life.  He made his decision that morning and wasn't doing anything to re-consider it. It was clear that he hated me and wanted nothing to do with me**.  I begged and pleaded to no avail.  So finally, I said fine - pack your bags. After you pick me up from the airport, you will drop the kids and I off at home, and you will find someplace else to live.

I spent that night crying.  A lot.  And drinking wine.

I woke up the next morning and continued my weekend travels down to Ft. Worth, Texas.  The meeting went well and pretty much ran itself - which is good, because it was probably the worst job I did as a program manager.  My mind just wasn't there.  I spent every chance I could on my laptop figuring out finances and how I would propose we would split expenses, and how I could possibly afford the expenses I needed to cover.

In the moment - that day/weekend was the worst of my life.  Looking back from where I am now.  That day/weekend was the best of my life because it gave me life.  Check back in tomorrow to see how I went from the same instance being the worst to the best of my life.

And please remember, the reason I share all this is because I want everyone to remember that there are always people out there that have been in your shoes and can help you, or at least drink a glass of wine with you, and there is always a brighter future for you. Please don't let the dark days bring you down forever, confide in someone, getting it out of your system and start the process of moving forward.

**Yes - those might sound like harsh words, but a) I said that to him then and multiple times since then and he has never denied it and b) I'm a much happier and healthier person with no ounce of regrets or vengeance, and I still feel strongly that he hates me

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