Monday, June 1, 2015

No Family Stuff, No Childhood Shit, I Just Need Some Strategies

After my last therapy session, I re-listened to Brene Brown's TED talks on Vulnerability and Shame A LOT. Both talks resonate with me, but the vulnerability one more so (right now).

At one point, Dr. Brown discusses having a breakdown from the results of her research on vulnerability and finding a therapist to "work through it". And here is what she says about it in the talk:
"So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, "How are you?" And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." She said, "What's going on?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.  And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit. I just need some strategies." 
After a few listens, that last line really resonated with me "no family stuff, no childhood shit. I just need some strategies." I didn't go into therapy outright thinking or saying that, but that's pretty much how I've been acting.

My initial introduction to therapy was back in 2013 when Adam and I went to couples therapy to try and work through our issues, and Adam was the one always in the "hot seat", so I really was just having a place to express my frustrations and be provided a few strategies to work through some of the issues.  Once the therapist realized that couples therapy was no longer going to be a help, we stopped that, but I continued to go on my own for a few months and it felt really good.  By the time we stopped (it was actually the therapist who thought there was no need for therapy), I had found a lot of peace and happiness.

Since that time, there have been ups and downs in my "relationship" with my ex, but after his mothers day antics I realized that I was giving Adam way too much space in my head, and so I started back at therapy.  First session was great and we really did discuss strategies and I incorporated some of those strategies over the following two weeks.  But my session last Tuesday progressed a bit differently.  We hit a road block, and when I asked how we get past it, the answer was no longer a strategic answer, but one that required us to delve into my past to find the root of the issue - a situation I unknowingly was dreading until the words came out of his mouth.

And that's when I felt incredibly vulnerable and felt the need to just keep things at the status quo and figure a way around it - but alas, I know very well that "easy" path is almost never the right path, nor is it typically easy in the end.

It will be a difficult road ahead, not because I have baggage, but more because I really don't know what baggage I have and I have to do a lot of deep thinking and soul searching to see what might be unconsciously causing me to react the way I do.

I know that I have a great family and wonderful friends and whatever I figure out about myself, I feel confident that I'll have a strong support network around me to help me through the tough times that lie ahead.

This will also be a big vulnerability test. I have learned to wear my vulnerabilities on my sleeve the last year or so, but I know there is so much more that I'm definitely hiding behind, whether consciously or unconsciously, whether its a matter of shame or just pure innocence, I'm scared to figure out what I might learn about myself, but I'm also a tad bit excited (yes - I'm weird) for the journey it will take me on to find an even deeper peace and happiness within myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment