Monday, January 19, 2015

Want vs. Should

There is so much we all want, and feel we should have. Many people want to be married, have children and own a home - the perfect life - right?

I remember when I was in my early 20's that is what I wanted - in addition to a solid career. I had low self-esteem from previous weight issues and childhood taunting, so when a man was willing to date me, I was infatuated. My first serious relationship was after I graduated college and I remember just wanting to dive right in. I started to see his faults, but I was naive and figured I just needed to accept all those things because this guy liked me.  After 15 months or so, I finally realized he had no strong feelings for me and there was no reason I needed to accept all his faults, and so I moved on.

My next serious relationship started in my mid 20's. I thought I learned a lot from the previous failed relationship, but looking back, I know I didn't really accept the lessons "learned". Looking in the past, I can see that this guys self-esteem and desire to be in a relationship was even stronger than mine. I accepted MAJOR flaws because of my low self esteem and the fact that he loved me.  For those that haven't figured it out - or don't know me - this is the relationship that turned into an engagement, marriage, children and ultimately divorce all within 6 years - well the divorce itself may take 6 years at this pace, but filing for divorce occurred within 6 years.

I want certain benefits of being in a committed relationship - someone to talk to day in and day out, someone who will push me to attain my goals, someone who will go on adventures with me, someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated and loved, and of course the obvious benefit of being in a relationship - although you don't need to be in a relationship to have that benefit - wink wink ;).  But I know in my heart that I'm not ready for any relationship and I shouldn't do it. I am so much in love with my life right now - spending so much special time with just my kids and I without anyone else having their attention, being able to do what I want to do with my alone time and being able to spend time with my friends.  There is plenty of time in my future to date and get into a good relationship.

I want to have more children, so desperately do I want to have more children! I think I'm a great mommy and have so much love to offer, and I personally loved being pregnant. Heck - I don't just want more children, I'm crazy and I want another set of multiples because that's what I know, and I just love the twin bond.  But I know that I'm not in a spot in my life where I can afford to care for more children.  Just because I want doesn't mean I should have.

I want to own my own home. But due to my current situation I am in the middle of short-selling my house to avoid foreclosure, so I know that I can't own one right now. Going through this process and trying to afford everything that comes with home ownership and young children - especially on my own - the biggest lesson I have learned is that what I want is not what I should do.

I have accepted these hard life lessons and once my house goes to closing (or the bank repossesses it - whichever comes first) I will be moving in with my kids for a decent amount of time. I will be working to pay off ALL debts in my name and save lots of money so that I can easily afford to own my own home and all the expenses that come along with it all on my own. I will continue to give myself time to enjoy life as a single mother and won't dive into the dating scene until I feel I'm fully ready to share myself and my life. If its meant to be, Ill have more children later, and if its not meant to be, I am already extremely blessed and filled with love with the two wonderful children I do have.

What about you?  What is it that you want, but in your heart of hearts you know you shouldn't pursue? Its okay to accept just having 1 child even though your friends have 2 or 3 (or more). It's okay to rent an apartment or a house so that you can save money to buy a house and/or afford to send your kids to extra-curriculars. It's okay to leave an unhappy relationship and it's okay to be single.  As long as you are happy, you shouldn't worry about what others perceive.