Sunday, May 11, 2014

A happy - but emotional - mothers day

I needed to journal and get out my thoughts and feelings, except I don't journal, I blog.  So here is my post and a little bit about whats going on in my head...

After writing my last blog post, I was so proud of what I wrote. It was the best writing I have ever done. It was all completely pure and genuine - I didn't even have to do a bit of editing - and I was able to just share my happiness and none of the "dirty" details of what led us to that ending.  Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure where today's post will take me, or even whether I will press publish at the end (of course if you are reading this, it means I did).

I've got a lot going on in my head right now and its a mix of many emotions.  Today is mother's day and so far it has been great.  My kids woke up happy, since its beautiful weather we got to play outside after breakfast, the dogs have been well behaved and I had a lovely brunch with my family and now they are taking their nap.  But on my drive home from my brunch, the emotions started to hit me.

This is my first of many mother's days as a single mom and its usually the dad's job to get the mothers day cards and get the mom a little gift to show she is loved, but as a single mom with an ex who barely grasped that when we were together, I don't get any of those little tokens of joy.  Don't get me wrong - I get plenty of love from my kids and that is much more valuable than any card or gift, but I am still an emotional woman who did not willingly chose to become a single mom.  Instead of those tokens of appreciation, for this mothers day, I get an ex who decided to hire a lawyer and tell me about it at the start of mothers day weekend (after we both agreed - or so I thought - that we would try to work through everything without involving lawyers and courts because that's the least we could do for the best interest of our kids).  Instead I got an ex who, on mothers day weekend, is choosing not to provide me with the monthly paperwork required in our agreement that shows he isn't lying to me about his income.  Instead I got an ex who, when offered to tell the truth about his income since it sounds like he is lying by not providing the paperwork, ignores the chance of "redemption". Instead I got an ex who, on mothers day weekend instead of showing that he is a decent man and really does put the kids first and send me a mothers day card from the kids, decides not to pay his child support payment (maybe he will tomorrow, but I reminded him yesterday, and still nothing in the bank account).

Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy to not have him in my daily life, and I will do everything in my power for the kids to not learn all the "dirty" details about their dad from me, my family or my friends. I will remind them that their dad loves them, and I will do my very best to never say a bad word about him in front of them. I know that it is in the best interest of the kids for me to not disparage their dad or influence their opinions of him.  I'm sure as the kids get older and can figure things out for themselves, they will see the true person their dad is and they will make their own choices about him - assuming he continues down the same path he has followed his entire life.  Maybe by that time I can learn how to forgive someone who truly doesn't deserve it, and will be able to teach my children to do the same when the time comes.  

Unfortunately, I'm not at that point yet.   I have made a ton of changes in my life since my husband chose to leave his family for an easier path where he isn''t held to any basic standards - such as honesty, communication and dependability. I also know that I still have a long way to go - especially with forgiveness of others.  I listen to a lot of self-improvement and personal development, and right now I just don't understand how someone can forgive someone and have no ill feelings towards them when they have caused so much pain and hurt and have no outward signs of regret or change. I will continue to work towards that point, and hope that one day I will attain that level of self improvement and positivity within myself.  I hope that one day, I can be so happy with where I am and what I have done with myself, that I can just not care what someone else has done - that I can just forgive them for all the pain they have caused.

But like I said, Im just not there. I will make sure my children don't hear the negatives of their dad from me - or anyone in my network - but until the day comes that I can make peace WITH him and everything he has done, I will continue to be open to my family, friends and my "journal" about my feelings and the roller coaster ride he is putting me on.

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