Thursday, April 3, 2014

My “coming out” story...

The agreement is signed and life is completely changed, so its time for me to officially “come out” with the news that rocked me hard 5 months ago and changed my life – and in 100% complete honesty I am so incredibly happy and accepting with the way things are now.

The questions are where do I start? and how do I share my story without sharing too much?

Do I start 6 years ago when I met the person who would alter the course of my life? Do I start 20 months ago when things really changed for us? Or do I start 5 months ago when the final decision was made?

In an effort to stay true to the new me, Ill start with the later, so as to avoid sharing publicly any of the behind the scenes content of what turned “we” into “me”.   On November 7th, 2013 my husband told me that he was no longer interested in resolving the issues that existed in our marriage and instead wanted a divorce.  I was so afraid of that word.  That word meant I failed – I failed myself, I failed my children, I failed my husband, I failed my marriage, I failed my parents and family, I failed everyone.  In my heart I think I knew for a while that this was what the marriage needed and what I needed, but I wasn’t able to accept failure and therefore I fought for the marriage – and I FOUGHT!

I went through all the emotions. I was angry, I was hurt, I was sad – and I was like that for a couple months.  I had no clue how I was going to do it - raise two children on my own, afford to cover the expenses for two kids, two dogs and myself, afford for us to continue to live on our own, manage everything that was on my plate as a newly-single, working mom with student loans, a mortgage, a car payment and other debt. 

I continued to see the therapist that we had seen as a couple and he helped me to accept that I did NOT fail anyone – and most especially myself.  He reminded me of everything that went into the marriage dissolving and how I really did not have too much control of its fate.  He helped remind me of all the support I did have, how strong of a person I was and how I really had been doing most of it for a long time.

After a couple months I was doing a lot better emotionally.  I realized that I had survived the first month (and then two, and now five), being the primary caregiver to the kids and taking care of everything.  I had (finally) learned to accept that I couldn’t do everything and that some things (IE constantly cleaning the house) wouldn’t get done as much as I wanted.  For the first time in a very long time I was happy more often than I wasn’t.  I wasn’t killing my nights fighting, and I wasn’t stressing or worrying about what was gonna happen that day to cause a fight. I was able to finally be at ease all the time and fully enjoy every precious moment I had with my children.

I was happy, but there was still something missing.  I was worried about my finances and how I was going to do things. I was afraid to look at bills until I absolutely had to. I had made the difficult decision that I needed to quit Shakeology and Beachbody because I had to cut any and all extra expenses – no matter the benefits those items brought me.  I told my coach that unfortunately I just couldn’t afford it anymore and I was going to quit.  I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but her response wasn’t what I expected.  She said okay, explained what the process was to leave coaching and said something (I honestly don’t remember) that pretty much was a last ditch effort to have me give it one more month.

I delayed on cancelling because I just didn’t want to, and then I decided I would give it one more month. I would see if there was anything I could do (although I wasn’t really doing anything) to make the business-side of Beachbody work for me.  And that’s when life changed!

I was invited to join a coach training group – one that I had looked into a few months prior - and decided that this was gonna be my last shot. I was gonna give this group a try and see what it could do for me. That group was the best thing to happen to me. Although I had been a coach for about 14 months, I had been ignoring one of the big items that Beachbody pushes for its coaches to do – personal development. I remember reading that when I first signed up and thinking “whatever – I don’t have time for that”. The coach running this training group recommended that I listen to podcasts or Cd's during the 2 hours a day that I'm in my car commuting and I figured that was easy enough.

Personal development has changed my life for the better!  Almost every weekday I listen to a podcast to and from work and it helps inspire me to do all the things that I want to do.  It’s what brought me to the 21 Day Fix and made me realize how much I missed and loved exercising.  It’s what’s made me realize I have some big dreams and goals and I need to find the time to focus on those dreams and goals. Its what helped me realize that my life isn’t just good, its GREAT, and that I am surrounded by some wonderful and amazing friends, family and co-workers and even if I struggle financially, I know that I will find a way to make it work.

I still have a lot of progress to make on my dreams and goals – with the biggest thing being to actually sit down and write it all out and write out exactly how I will get there, and get back to scheduling out my days so I can find the time to focus on those dreams and goals.

But even though I haven’t even made that HUGE first step – I am a different person than I was 5 months ago. Do I still have feelings of failure? Yes, most definitely. I have high expectations and I am harder on myself than I am anyone else. But even when I feel that way, I KNOW that I have not failed and instead I’ve done the complete opposite.  I have taken a tough situation and I have made the very best out of it.  I’m a woman who wears MANY different hats and has many different interests – but Ive found some new focus, “balance” and strength. 

I still have a lot of tough times ahead of me, but I know that I have the strength inside of me to power through – and I have a lot of people to thank for that!

First and foremost, I have to thank my ex. Although our relationship was not as strong as I thought, nor did it have the ending I wanted – it gave me three amazing gifts.  The first two gifts are the most obvious – my children.  No matter how unhappy our marriage became it gave me the gift of motherhood – and even more amazing the wonderful opportunity to be a mother of multiples.  The third gift is the gift of peace and happiness.  I did not have the strength to give up on our marriage because I was afraid of what that future would be, but your ability to do so gave me greater peace and happiness than I have had in a long time.

I would like to thank my wonderful and amazing parents. They have been my rocks in getting me through the tough times.  They reminded me how much they loved me no matter how things worked out and how they were always there for me. They help me with the kids when I need some self-care time or just needed to run errands on my own or was traveling on business.  They have helped cover basic needs so I can make sure I have the money to cover all the bills.  I couldn’t have possibly gotten through this without them by my side.

My sisters and brother-in-laws for reminding me that our family is strong and supportive and that we always have each other. I am very thankful for all the things that you guys do and all the help you offer.  Sara and Nathaniel have some great aunt’s and uncles.

My “ex” family for reminding me the true meaning of family – and that there are actually people in this family that know that.   We might not technically be family anymore, but you continue to remind me that indeed we ARE family, because it really has nothing to do with the actual blood and marriage lines. I am so thankful to have married into this wonderful family – and although I will eventually be divorced from my husband, I will still have you guys to call my sister, aunts, uncles, cousins and Zayde.

My therapist for helping me see things so much clearer and helping me to find this peace and happiness.

My best friends for always making sure I'm okay and offering to drive down/up to confirm I really am okay. You have been there for my calls and emails to just bitch about what’s going on and you have continued to tell me how amazing and strong I am – which has just continued to enable me to be that strong person.

My Beachbody family – you have helped me find that side of me that I lost and I thank you for your continued support, encouragement and motivation. I have gotten so much from Beachbody and I will do my very best to help others lose the weight they want to lose, find the happiness within themselves to succeed, or whatever else they need to do to become a happy and striving individual.

And to everyone else – my coworkers, friends, etc – even if we haven’t talked in a while or aren’t best friends, some of you have known whats going on or have seen/heard enough to know that something is going on and those little notes checking in on me or sending me words of support and wisdom have truly been amazing. Hearing things like “you are amazing, I don’t know how you do it all” puts such a smile on my face and reminds me that I can continue to move forward.