Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Letting go - and I little glimpse into my mind and personality

I have always placed my friendships and relationships at the top of my priorities.  I care deeply for those who I am close with - my family, friends and my co-workers whom I'm proud to call both my family and friends. In the last 10-15 years, there are two good friends who I lost friendships with.  One of these people was a best friend in my middle school/high school years and another was a close sorority sister.

I honestly couldn't tell you what happened to those friendships.  You know how some people just grow apart? Well that wasn't it (in my opinion). All the sudden, the phone calls and emails were rarely answered/returned.  And then they were never answered/returned.  I got the point, but I wasn't willing to give up, so I tried well past the "expiration date".  Even now, when i joined facebook and saw each of these individuals on facebook, I friend requested them.  Each of them accepted my request which actually hurt more than i thought it would. Now, whenever I see either of them post a picture, share a status update, comment on a friend's post, etc - I get this feeling of hurt and loss.    I know those friendships are over.  I know that they are different people and that we are at different points in our lives and have grown apart.  But its hard for me to accept.

Similarly I was with an ex-boyfriend for over a year when it really should have ended by 4-6 months.  I fell in love, and he was my first real love (unless of course you count Brett Merves - LOL).  In all that time, he could never tell me he loved me.   I knew it was odd, but I kept making excuses.  Eventually it got to the point that I started to push away when I realized we had no future, yet I still couldn't leave him.  Wanna know what the tipping point was?   You'll never believe it!  We went out for valentines day dinner and at the end of the meal he picked his nose.  Im not talking about rubbing an itch at the bottom of your nose - Im talking full-on nose picking in the middle of a nice restaurant, pulling a booger out.   And when I got mad at him and forced him to go wash his hands, he laughed at me and tried to put it in my face.   Yeah - defintielly past the point of needing to dump his ass - and so I prompty dumped him.

Anyways, back to the serious.  Most of the issue (IMO) is me being stubborn and strong-willed and not wanting to accept that I've failed at anything - even a friendship.  My therapist would disagree with that sentence though, specifically how I phrased it. Its not me failing, its just the relationship moving apart or ending.  Of course, he also says that me thinking that way is what makes me so strong and successful. I have a high bar that I set for myself - in everything that I do - and if things don't go the way I think they should, I consider that a failure on my part - even if I know I'm not the one failing.

Anyways, I have an issue with letting go.  I'm sure I've always known this, but its become more apparent to me in the last few weeks.  Everything can be going wrong, but I can't let go, I just want to fix everything - even if its to my own detriment just to help others.

No matter how much I know that I need to let go, and no matter how much I know that the inevitable will come, it is just too hard to accept.  

But those features are what make me such a strong person, a great mom, pet parent, neighbor, friend and employee.  I just hope that these are the traits I pass on to Sara and Nathaniel.  

And that they don't cause me to lose any more friends!