Tuesday, January 1, 2013

When to drop your friends?

When do you finally give up on friendships?   Im not talking about your facebook "friends", Im talking about real friendships.

I had a friend who was really bad about returning calls.   For a while I let her get away with it, until it became me calling her and never getting a returned call.   I'm actually shocked she came to my wedding - but that was the last time I have seen or heard from her since.   It took quite a few years for me to accept that I needed to just let that friendship die.    I don't know why, but its very hard for me to accept the end of friendships when there is no good reason, except lack of communication.

Hubby has (had?) a lifelong friend.   When I came into the picture, they weren't great about keeping in touch, but they were both on the same page, and could just pick up a phone and be right where they left off.    Such good friends that hubby was one of his groomsmen.   As a matter of fact, hubby had to postpone our first date because his best friends dad passed away.  

When we started dating, we got together with his friend and friends wife a few times, and everything was good - we all got along well and had fun.    When we were engaged, they got pregnant with their first child.  We got together another time or two, but only when I would reach out to the wife.   I was invited to her baby shower and got her a nice gift.   When they had their son, hubby got a call, and we met him at our rehearsal dinner..  

Just as hubby was a groomsman in his friends wedding, the same was true of his friend for our wedding.   But they decided that only the friend would come (presumably he only came because he was part of the wedding) and that the wife and child would stay at home.  I can understand if you don't want to bring your child, but you have family in the area, you couldn't find someone to watch your child so you could both come?   He was about 3 months old.   That kinda bothered me.   By the time my twins were 3 months, we went to 2 weddings, leaving them behind with parents.   By the time they will be 6 months, that will increase to 4 weddings.  Further, friend left about 10 minutes into the reception (and we had an afternoon wedding, so the lateness of the wedding wouldn't work).   Oh - and we had no clue who was coming until after RSVPs were due and we had to call them to ask.  

After the wedding, we have seen them 2 times.   Once we went to an event in Doylestown and it was like pulling teeth to get this planned with the wife, but we finally settled on plans and all she did was bitch about what we were doing.    The second time we saw them was when the son was about 14 months old, and it was a bit easier to plan, but it took about an hour for wife to warm up and be friendly.   In between those two times, we joined facebook and requested to be friends with the both of them, but they never accepted.  At that point, I decided that I wasn't going to push things anymore, and just let their friendship evolve however it would.

When we got pregnant, hubby was so excited to share the news with his friend, but didn't get much more than a congrats.    When I was putting together the lists of people to contact once the babies came, I decided to put him on the email list, not the call list, because he clearly wasn't best buds with hubby anymore.   In the end, hubby decided to call him, but didn't get anything other than the response of congrats.    I knew they wouldn't come, but decided to invite them to the baby naming/bris - no response.    Since the initial call, we have not heard a single peep from them.   Not a "congrats on your new babies", Not a "when can we meet the babies", and of course not a gift - just a whole lotta nothing!

We recently put together a list for our holiday cards (which as of 1/1/13 are still not in the mail - I guess the cards will be for presidents day or mlk day :P) and I debated whether to include them on the list.   When I thought about it, I realized they NEVER included us on their holiday card list - and now that I think even more about it, I don't think I ever received a thank you card for our gifts to them.   In the end, I decided that I would include them just to see if it sparks anything - although I'm sure it won't.

I know we should have given up on this friendship way long ago, and Adam I think did (albeit only within the last couple months), but even though they weren't my friends from the start, I'm still having a hard time accepting that the relationship is gone - and I always do when a friendship is ending...

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