Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Letting go - and I little glimpse into my mind and personality

I have always placed my friendships and relationships at the top of my priorities.  I care deeply for those who I am close with - my family, friends and my co-workers whom I'm proud to call both my family and friends. In the last 10-15 years, there are two good friends who I lost friendships with.  One of these people was a best friend in my middle school/high school years and another was a close sorority sister.

I honestly couldn't tell you what happened to those friendships.  You know how some people just grow apart? Well that wasn't it (in my opinion). All the sudden, the phone calls and emails were rarely answered/returned.  And then they were never answered/returned.  I got the point, but I wasn't willing to give up, so I tried well past the "expiration date".  Even now, when i joined facebook and saw each of these individuals on facebook, I friend requested them.  Each of them accepted my request which actually hurt more than i thought it would. Now, whenever I see either of them post a picture, share a status update, comment on a friend's post, etc - I get this feeling of hurt and loss.    I know those friendships are over.  I know that they are different people and that we are at different points in our lives and have grown apart.  But its hard for me to accept.

Similarly I was with an ex-boyfriend for over a year when it really should have ended by 4-6 months.  I fell in love, and he was my first real love (unless of course you count Brett Merves - LOL).  In all that time, he could never tell me he loved me.   I knew it was odd, but I kept making excuses.  Eventually it got to the point that I started to push away when I realized we had no future, yet I still couldn't leave him.  Wanna know what the tipping point was?   You'll never believe it!  We went out for valentines day dinner and at the end of the meal he picked his nose.  Im not talking about rubbing an itch at the bottom of your nose - Im talking full-on nose picking in the middle of a nice restaurant, pulling a booger out.   And when I got mad at him and forced him to go wash his hands, he laughed at me and tried to put it in my face.   Yeah - defintielly past the point of needing to dump his ass - and so I prompty dumped him.

Anyways, back to the serious.  Most of the issue (IMO) is me being stubborn and strong-willed and not wanting to accept that I've failed at anything - even a friendship.  My therapist would disagree with that sentence though, specifically how I phrased it. Its not me failing, its just the relationship moving apart or ending.  Of course, he also says that me thinking that way is what makes me so strong and successful. I have a high bar that I set for myself - in everything that I do - and if things don't go the way I think they should, I consider that a failure on my part - even if I know I'm not the one failing.

Anyways, I have an issue with letting go.  I'm sure I've always known this, but its become more apparent to me in the last few weeks.  Everything can be going wrong, but I can't let go, I just want to fix everything - even if its to my own detriment just to help others.

No matter how much I know that I need to let go, and no matter how much I know that the inevitable will come, it is just too hard to accept.  

But those features are what make me such a strong person, a great mom, pet parent, neighbor, friend and employee.  I just hope that these are the traits I pass on to Sara and Nathaniel.  

And that they don't cause me to lose any more friends!

Monday, August 5, 2013

Dear A-Rod...

Dear A-Rod,

Let's get things straight - the entire world has known for years that you are a cheater and have no respect for the game of baseball.   The difference between today and everyday previous to today is that you made it clear that you aren't even a man.

Today 12 men accepted their punishments for using performance-enhancing-drugs.    I don't agree with the decisions they made, but they were caught and they pretty much said "yup, you caught me fair and square, I cheated and I will accept my punishment".

In addition, before those 12 men was another man.   A man who was previously caught and denied, denied, denied.    A man who got away with it because of a technicality.   Sounds like that could be you - right?   Nope, that man eventually got caught red handed and said "I realize now that I have made some mistakes. I am willing to accept the consequences of those actions."  That man not only accepted a suspension, he accepted a suspension that was higher than the suspension netted for a first offense.   A deal they made because of his actions during and after his appeal in 2011.

Those 13 men are all cheaters and have no respect for the game of baseball.   But they admitted their faults, accepted suspensions and hopefully will move on and right their wrongs.    These men are men.

You on the other hand are not a real man, you will join the legacy of Barry Bonds - a man who should be best remembered for his baseball legacy, but instead he is remembered for his shrunken balls (as his girlfriend testified to).  

Good luck with your appeal - I hope that MLB smears your "legacy" the way my children smear they food once they are done eating.



Thursday, March 14, 2013

A (Major) Milestone Reached!

Yesterday I reached a big milestone for myself (and the babies).    For the first time in the almost 8 months since my children were born,  their liquid intake over the last 2 weeks has been exclusively breastmilk (they also receive “solid” food).     To many people this may not seem like a big deal, but for me breastfeeding has been a long and arduous journey.   

I had always had all intentions of exclusively breastfeeding (and pumping for a stored supply) while I was on maternity leave and then a combination of breastfeeding and pumping when I went back to work.    When I found out at 8+ weeks that I was having twins, I prepared myself for the chance that I might need to supplement.

With all that in mind, I always knew that breastfeeding would never be an easy road.    I read up on it, talked to friends and took a breastfeeding class.    I was prepared for possible latching issues, painful nipples, leaking boobs, wearing bras and nursing pads 24/7 and all that jazz.

My story ended up experiencing pretty much every bump in the road that could be there (latching issues, low milk supply, mastitis, etc) – and I definitely understand why people quit or never try – and I will never question’s anyone’s choice.    I do feel that you should go in prepared, and you should try, but if its not your cup of tea – than so be it.    There are plenty of people who were raised on formula from birth and are smarter than I.    There are MANY reasons why breastfeeding isn't an option – whether its that the mother has/had a medical condition that will not allow it or the child has a medical condition that they need specialized formula, or maybe it’s just not your lifestyle – whatever you chose, you will be choosing what is best for you and your child!

I had thoughts of quitting, but in the end always stuck with it – and I hope that I can and will continue to stick with it over the next 4 months before I finally start to wean, but anything can happen, and therefore the only promise I will make to myself and my family is that we will take it one day at a time and when the time is right, we will move on.

I could tell you all about SNS, Power Pumping, Breastmilk supplements, Low Milk Supply, but in the end it took the course of time, the “introduction” of solids (they've been on solids for 4 months), real solids like cheerios, the help and knowledge of lactation consultant, nursing/nipple shields, a handful of pumps and pump accessories, lots of lanolin, and LOADS of determination to get us to this point and no matter the rough days that are behind (and ahead of us), I am very proud of reaching this milestone.

What milestones, stories and questions do you have about breastfeeding and pumping!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Crazy Ass Dream

I woke up in the middle of the night last night from a CRAZY dream.    98.5% of the time I don't remember having dreams, 1% of the time I remember the basic idea of the dream, but I don't remember it, but then .5% of the time I remember the dream in detail - and about 18 hours later Im still remembering this dream, so I figured I'd blog about it - and I swear its CRAZY!   So hear goes:

I was in a library or bookstore or something of the sort checking out when I notice two people walk in with machine guns in their long black coats, so I snuck out of there before anything really happened (I was right by the door).   But apparently this bookstore or library was in a hotel I was staying at where I was part of a small meeting in a board room, so I immediately head to the boardroom to warn the people there - and two of the people in the boardroom are my best friend Nikky and her husband - and then there was an older gentleman who was running the meeting and a security person.   I remember thinking I wonder if I should tell everyone, because maybe they are involved, but I still shared, and the security person said they would radio it in, but the gentleman said not to worry about it, he would check it out.   So he left, came back a little while later to say everything was fine, but we were gonna stop for the day, and then he left.    I think others were also skeptical of him and we didn't really know what do, so Nikky and Jared decided they were gonna check it out, so I went with them, and we got close enough to start hearing gunfire so we ran, and I ran into a room, but then I saw them run past to the staircase, so I decided to follow and we ran down the stairs...

And then I don't remember much more.   I remember bits and pieces - like getting to a certain floor and knowing we were safe and looking outside and realizing I was in the staircase of my high school with the honeycomb windows and a nice spring day outside.   That was the last I remember of Nikky and Jared in the dream, but then I remember going back up to my hotel room (because remember the library/bookstore, boardroom in a hotel, staircase/high school and my hotel room are all the same building?!?!) and I saw the gentleman from the boardroom with a gun - and he was definitely a bad guy - and I made eye contact with him, but just as I ran into my hotel room to get cover.

And then I woke up...

So yeah - when I remember my dreams, they are pretty f'd up!   Wonder what a dream interpreter would say this crazy saga means.  

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Valentine's Day

I'm not typically a V-Day person - especially after working the front desk at the biggest dorm on campus during  the 11a-2p shift one valentines day.   That would be the time frame that ALL the deliveries and packages arrive. But really, I'm not a fan because I think you should appreciate your significant other and any other "valentines" you have every day, not just the day that the Hallmark company deemed it appropriate.  

I actually got mad at hubby one year (before he was my hubby) for sending me flowers on valentines day.    I'd rather him pick up flowers at the supermarket where they are a fraction of the price and will end up lasting much longer (and it won't add on to the collection of vases that one receives when they get flowers sent to them).

Well, actually, I'd rather him give a card or get a gift with more thought than the typical roses/flowers, chocolates, dinner out, etc.   The flowers can come on a random day of the year when it isn't implied that that is what he is supposed to do - and just because, not because he screwed up :)    And now that we are 5 years into our relationship, he is starting to get the hang of it!

For the first time that I can remember, I got a truly homemade gift that didn't pretty much require me telling him what to do - and more importantly, it was thoughtful and romantic.   He framed the words to our wedding song and gave that to me.    And he even remembered to get me a card from him and a card from the kids!   I was very impressed!

But its not just about receiving, its about giving, and I was very excited for this V-Day because I made it a pinterest-"filled" day :)   I had lots of other ideas I wanted to do, but the time committment to 2 little ones (plus the big one and the 2 fur-kids) made it impossible for me to do all the things I wanted.

Actually - the first project wasn't inspired by pinterest but instead by a facebook friend who did this with her twins last year and I stole it from her.   I ran out on my way home on Wednesday night to grab red felt and white shirts so I could do this:


I know I'm a bit biased but, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!   And the craft was so simple and easy.   It cost me more than it should ($15) because I went out last minute so they were out of single pieces of red felt, so I had to buy 2 packs that each had 1 piece in it.   Also, although I had plain white onesies in the house, I bought new ones because my son is on the cusp of the next size, and I didn't want it to be too tight.  Time-wise, it took about 15 minutes

Next up was hubby's valentines day gift.   I was hoping to put together a little gift, but nothing from pinterest was jumping out at me.   Everything I pineed was cute for fathers day, but not for vday - nor for his 1st vday as a daddy.   So I opted to just make him breakfast as I had planned.   I saw a pin for toast with an egg in the shape of a heart inside, so I decided to aim for that, and I was gonna make 2.   I should have thought it through a little more because it didn't quite come out how I wanted - maybe Ill try another time.    But one of them was semi-successful enough to make the plate :)   I also made pancakes that were going to be in the shape of hearts and with Love written.   Those pretty much failed when they had to make the flip :/   But there was enough heart shaped pancakes and enough of a success with the pancakes that Hubby got the jist of it :)

Since V-Day fell on a Thursday, I decided to make a my niece a V-Day breakfast since she comes over every Thursday and the first thing she usually says to me is - can I have eggs.   So I made her scrambled eggs (as per usual) and put them in the shape of a heart, and since she always needs ketchup on her eggs (or really eggs with her ketchup), I topped the eggs with ketchup, and took the inside of the toast cut-outs from hubby's breakfast and some of the extra pancakes and put it all together for my niece.   Wouldn't you guess this is the first time since who knows when that she didn't ask for eggs!   (But she ate them when I told her I had a Vday breakfast for her).

And that was all before I left the house at 7:30am!  Hope you all enjoyed your V-day as much as I did.